Yep. That’s it, for short.

I’m out, I’ve absolutely no hope – or even fucks left to give, in regards of humans.

I spend the last years learning about climate change, ecosystem farming (I started 2020, so it’s not just yesterday) and human behavior related to myself, so that means autism, ADHD, C-PTSD, narcissistic and antisocial personality disorder. And since it also is related to what I’m doing here on my farm, everything regarding capitalism. The psychology part wasn’t voluntary – my own trauma forced me to learn this absolute shit for over 4 decades now. But only the last years I intensly studied autism and ADHD, because, even if I knew since 2017 that I may have what was formerly known as asperger’s, I didn’t fully understand, what that actually means until I saw and heard from actually autistic people what it looks like from the inside, to be autistic. So yeah, even if I don’t care about it at all, I needed to learn this stuff and it made me go through my whole life from a different perspective and finally it all makes sense. But it’s worse. What I believed is now obsolete.

I promised myself to not write about autism anymore in this blog, but it’s impossible to part autism from me because it’s simply who or what I am… Even though I don’t think my form of autism is any kind of disease, I’m just very intense and very smart.

So my view on everything that I started in 2020, permaculture, regenerative agriculture, climate change, natural farming, agroforestry, syntropic forestry, hydroponics, fungi, soil and such, -it shifted. What I originally thought, before my realization that I am actually autistic (which was only last year (2023)! before that I knew I have asperger’s because I fit all of the criteria, but didn’t understand what that actually means), was, that humans can change, if they only can see the truth/reality. That I can show or proof how a life with nature is not only possible but worth living -and the only way to survive! That the world can change for the better if only I could explain or show it is possible to respect the boundaries of any other beeing and how that could make us as a species and as a society one united civilisation that could be considerate custodians of earth instead of exploiter, instead of humans being an autoimmune disease to earth that kills itself in the end. That I could convince people to be more real, more honest, more realistic, if I only would show them, that accepting truth/reality which is objective and can only be perceived in small parts by anyone – never fully, is all what is needed to make us as a species to work together and survive and be beneficial to the whole planet. But I now know, that’s not gonna happen.

My naive autism made me believe that humans are better in processing, better in perceiving, better in feeling, better in thinking than they actually are. Just like everyone I assumed everyone was like me. I was alienated when I learned that the average human lies multiple times a day? Or that they are not interested in knowing details of or relations between topics. That they doesn’t actually cry because our planet is suffering and species are dying. I thought hat nobody really likes fighting and nobody really actually believes in god or gods or ghosts and such? That everybody would give their own life if that would save billions because that would be the right thing to do? That everyone checks during every interaction that the other party is treated fairly. No. Nope, that was just my very own autistic ass seeing things with autism eyes…

We’re doomed. Not my ideas nor anything I do would safe a thing. And I would go as far and say I don’t want to. Humans are horrible, as they really are and not what I thought they are! Humans are ugly in their vain, pathetic in their hubris, beggarly in their greed. They have no moral, they enjoy the suffering of others more than their own successes. They are lazy thinkers, always looking for a shortcut, even at the cost of others dying. So they follow those that are the loudest and meanest of them. The antisocial narcissists are their ruler and role models and they are the wannabe-narcs, hoping they can be king too, one day. They actually look for ways of how to become a narcissist by learning to live by dark psychology and following Machiavelli. Following a leader takes much less brain energy than thinking for themself everything through. That’s exactly what our society is set up for and how it works. It can’t collapse by us working together and change the world, you stupid naive autistic brain! They love their social structures! They improve their social status to have better mating chances and become more narcissistic and antisocial (which doesn’t mean you don’t like other people – you just don’t care about other people). Stupid me, what was I thinking?

No. It’s not worth it, I know that. I tried explaining enough. I lived through all of it unknowing. My own mother provided the best cruel example. It’s not worth it. They are not worth it. I will not give any being with narcissistic tendencies a chance anymore. I have no more sympathy, understanding for those, who can’t understand me too. I’m done. They are a plague for the soul and for all beings on earth beside them.

Only the truth, and by that I mean reality! can safe us. But the „normal people“ can’t live that because they can’t perceive or understand that. They simply can’t grasp it…

I’m preparing for the winter now, that is coming. May nature be merciful with those, who understand. I will now learn how to not care. Because it hurts. And I don’t want to waste the little time I have with suffering. For nothing at all. I’ll find peace in nature, in truth.